It happens to me a lot. I used to be very eager about writing something fantastic. Something inside me would tell that it has something for me to write about. I will look all excited from the moment i get out of my bed. I could see a hazy image of the concept inside my head which would refuse to disclose itself to me. I will try to figure it out on my way to the office, but it wont help.
I used to go and sit in front of the computer and open the word processor and the hazy idea that was in my head all day, would completely vanish. There won’t be any proof of its presence. But there will be a mild trail, left behind. The trail won’t reveal the content of what was in my head, but it would have left the feeling of it. It will be like the words flew away leaving behind only the emotions. The emotions which will show itself in the form of a mild scent and will soon start growing into a heavy stench which would slowly start to kill me from inside.
It will push me to write everything about what I am feeling at that moment, but at the same time will prevent the words from coming out. It’s like something is trying to push me and pull me at the same time. I was reading Ray Bradbury’s “Bradbury speaks: Too soon from the cave; Too far from the stars” this morning. In the first chapter he was talking about a little monster inside him that would often sit on his shoulders and remind him of things that he wanted to write. He says that he always listens to the little demon as it brings out the best in him.
The same inner voice that makes me jump out of my bed to write even a single sentence, will also prevent me from writing a novel. It is a constant struggle i face with my inner self . Sometimes there will be a lot of chaos and i wont feel a thing. It will be like my inner self got divided into two groups and fight with each other. When you fail to see any posts in my blog for a brief period of time, it means that either i am fighting with my inner self or my inner self is fighting with multiple copies of itself.
I cannot go for a smoke or have a couple of beers to suppress the feeling. It won’t help me for long. The feeling will pertain unless i write about it.
Sometimes the feeling might prevent you from writing, for so long, and allow you do it later sometime. That story or essay is like an old barrel of wine which is buried for so many years. It means its brewing inside you, getting processed and constantly evolving to become a great piece of writing. When it comes out, it will have a great aroma, gentle flavor and a brilliant color.
Sometimes I will have to fight your mind to write down what’s in your mind. Because we often tend to forget. But that doesn’t matter. writing it in the form of points will at least remind you of all the thoughts you had when you were writing it.
I am not telling that only a writer will face such struggle. Everybody faces it . But they see it in a different perspective. I feel like writing about it. Someone might feel like talking about it. Some else might feel like singing about it etc. It varies from person to person. In the movie “Forrest gump”, Tom hanks will have a lot of things going on inside his head and he will start running. He will have a feeling that running would help him clear his mind. So he will run unless everything becomes clear to him.
Everyone of us is fighting our inner selves every day, every minute and every second. Some get frustrated , and some go look for creative ways to vent them out. Today morning I was not mood to write. So I thought it would be a good idea to write about the feeling of not feeling to write.
I hope I made some sense. If you feel it so confusing, then its nothing but the visual map of the current state of my mind.